Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat
down
next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was
on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
off
of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's
fair.
Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock
news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....

----------------------
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they
had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all
the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their
house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third
day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were
all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to
do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that
the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was
better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and
he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Minnesota girl. He boasted that
he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned,
dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day
most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye. Enough to fix him self up bite to eat, load the dishwasher,
and telephone a lawn service
----------
A BOSS WALKED INTO THE OFFICE ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING THAT HIS ZIPPER
>WAS DOWN AND HIS FLY AREA IS WIDE OPEN
>HIS SECRETARY WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID "BOSS THIS MORNING WHEN YOU
>LEFT
>YOUR HOUSE, DID YOU CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR?"
>THIS WAS NOT A PHRASE THAT HER BOSS UNDERSTOOD, SO HE WENT INTO HIS
>OFFICE LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED
>WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE WITH HIS PAPERWORK HE SUDDENLY NOTICED THAT HIS
>ZIPPER WAS NOT ZIPPED UP
>HE ZIPPED UP AND REMEMBERING WHAT HIS SECRETARY HAS TOLD HIM, FINALLY
>UNDERSTOOD . THEN HE INTENTIONALLY WENT OUT TO ASK FOR A CUP OF COFFEE
>FROM HIS SECRETARY.
>WHEN HE REACHED HER DESK, HE SAID
>"WHEN YOU SAW THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN DID YOU SEE MY Hummer PARKED IN
>THERE?"
>THE SECRETARY SMILED FOR A MOMENT AND SAID "
>"NO BOSS I DIDN'T, ALL I SAW WAS A MINI VAN WITH 2 FLAT TIRES"
-------------
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."


"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"


"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -how do you hang onto your
perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked,
I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a
little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't
you?"& nbsp;

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with
reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,
physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody
wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20;
just make the guy an offer!"


The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.


Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor,
he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I
should tell you th is or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the
door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"


"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over," reported the
parrot. "NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie!, got down on his
knees and began to kiss her all over...."


Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

Liked all of those!!

funneeee