I accidentally hijacked Mirror's thread with an important question I have. Personally, I really need help with it. Yes, I seek romantic AND companionate love, but I'm not sure how to develop a relationship that might have the seeds of BOTH. I care about others and hate to lead on or break hearts.

So, to the question at hand:


Someone said:

"....and I am not sure about her but from my perspective she is like my sister "


I replied:

That's right; we can never be truly sure about the other.

Sometimes, I have disappointed males I saw as platonic because they always hoped for more. Now, I was clueless, of course, so I never saw it and I didn't disappoint them on purpose.

It is also hard for me to tell when someone is interested in me, so I might not have distanced in the friendship as soon as I could have.

On their part? Perhaps they were unsure and stayed longer than they should have because they thought there was a chance for more when I just needed a real friend. Its not fair to them. I guess the same can happen with females, but I think it is more rare.

I have always found it easier to be buddies or acquaintances with males -not intimate friends (like I become with women) for this reason. I have always been afraid to lead someone on and I have never wanted to intentionally hurt anyone's feelings.

Now, in my life, I need a primary partner who is also my best friend. Friendship takes time to develop. Its best to be friends first. How does another person, especially a man, know when a woman wants nothing more than friendship?

How do you solve this dilemma - of not getting involved with someone who is not right for you just because the chemistry is there, but yet having that attraction, chemistry, and romantic love for someone you want to grow slowly in friendship with, too? How can an attractive woman (usually) in good conscience, do that without breaking hearts?"

If someone knows the answer to that, please share it with me.

I think this is tricky to accomplish, but I have managed to do it. I think it just boils down to something that alot of us (though we choose to not admit this) have a hard time doing....being honest about what we want. And, add to that fact that we also allow ourselves to be "persuaded" into something more with someone than we intended to. I can't count how many times I have heard a man or a woman say "Why did I let them talk me into this?". That is actually easy to answer. You want a relationship so bad, that even when you have "standards", you let those down in the hopes that something will materialize with that person who persuaded you into a relationship.

I have a friend who has been involved with the same woman for seven years now. They aren't married, live together, and he has been unhappy with her for the last six years. Yet, he stays with her, and the only reasons I can come up with are that he doesn't want to be alone, that he likes having someone in his house to help pay the bills, and that he basically doesn't want to hurt her by telling her to go. Yes, that is all very f*cked up, and I don't get it. But he rationalizes that he should stay with her. Even though he complains about it, and is not happy (though he tries to play it off he is), he hasn't changed a thing.

Basically Angel, the only thing I know is that you go through life making choices. And be them good or bad, you live with them. They make you or they break you. All I can say is that if you know the chemistry isn't their with someone, yet you want to be friends with him, you have to convey that desire to him. He has to understand your feelings. I just believe it boils down to honesty. Feelings will get hurt. You can't avoid it. You try to stay with someone for the sake of not trying to hurt them, then you are just hurting yourself more by not doing what you feel is best for you. And, if all you want is friendship, while he is thinking there will be more than that, you are leading him on.

There is nothing easy about this. But I feel that if you tell them that "Hey. I care about you and because I do, I am going to be honest with you."...and then say how you want a true freindship with them...no matter what happens, you did the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing isn't always the popular thing. But eventually, the universe tends to work things out.

I dunno if this helped, but I tried.

Well I'm not exactly sure if I have the answer to this as I am not the know all person.

Friends to me always come first. I look for friendship primarily as a pre-requisite to anything else in life. If I can't be a friend to this person then I most certainly can't be a lover vice versa as well.

How does one know if or when to take it to the next level. This a tricky question. I don't think as a species we ever truly know if we should ever take it to the next level but for some reason it happens. Like lightning striking it's not always going to happen and it may not happen for a very very long time but given conditions, situation, and timing it can strike anywhere.

How does a man know whether a woman only wants friendship. I could give smartass remarks about this but I don't believe smartass remarks are what you're looking for. I don't know if it's me or not but I make it clear that what I am seeking is friendship. I slowly move from that point if I sense that it can be something more. Others are less hesitant to each their own.

You lose me at the end. Look we all try our best at deciphering whether or not this person is the perfect candidate for the next level or at least I like to think we do. *probably not so*. We then approach the situation as such but in the end no one is ever going to know whether or not that next level is going to work out. That next level can be totally abolished with *I just want to be friends*, a cheating incident, lies start forming whatever the case may be one of the partners isn't committed to the relationship whereas they were once committed to the friendship. It's hard to go to the next level without getting hurt because you lose a friend but you also lose a lover. The more time you have spent together probably will lead to a more devastating heart break.

If you don't want to break hearts then when you move to the next level there should be commitment from that point on unless they ruin it somehow. I don't and can't understand how a woman can easily just give up on the relationship or decides to abandon it. At least not in the ways it has been done to me.

Thank you both. It has been helpful to read your responses.

On the way to work today, it became clear to me that the best way to optimize chances for a genuine, committed love relationship to develop is to always and only start with platonic friendship first.

The tricky part for me is that males that I start to befriend always seem to expect more. Maybe it has been my failing that I cannot seem to ignite a spark within myself when it starts as a friend situation. Perhaps I can't read the other's signs. Maybe I need them to be more overt about their intent and feelings after friendship and trust have been established. Someone once said to me I'll never be able to love genuinely in my lifetime, because of child and adolescent traumas I experienced. I never believed it; but, today, I wonder if perhaps they saw something which I have only started to realize.

In any case, assuming I did not have that "handicap", I have learned that it is best to start and develop a meaningful platonic friendship and not to be too invested in the outcome. To leave it up to a higher power or the universe, or to fate, as it may be. Like you say, there is no way to tell if, how, when, how soon.

We also cannot totally shield ourselves and avoid risk of broken hearts due to disappointments from the examples you gave. Why? Because if we never trust enough to be genuine and vulnerable with a platonic friend, we will never have the opportunity to allow it to develop into something more.

So, it seems it all boils down to Truly Liking and Respecting our Friends (if we find them worthy of our affection and respect), Trusting enough to Take a Risk, Being Real (Genuine)/Vulnerable, Trusting/Not Ignoring! our inner feelings about someone or a situation, and being Very Clear in Communicating what we want (if we know what that is), when, and with whom.

Then, if our boundaries are busted, limits crossed enough to harm us - we run, not walk, as far and as fast as we can AWAY from the person and situation, whether they started out as friend or not. Once trust and respect is gone, there is no chance of ever going back to friends.

Depends on what you mean as harm us... To you maybe he leaned in for a kiss because he thought the mood was perfect and felt you felt the same..

Hogwash about the whole incident with child traumas. I don't believe childhood traumas effect our life as much as one claims them to be. I mean I could easily see how people stop and retract rather than grow and move on, but that's what it is about moving on.

Friends are hard to make. For some reason I think people don't get this. They are really really really hard to find. I often find that people use acquaintances with the friend term and then get upset later on in life.

Here's something else for ya to help you along your journey. This is something I find myself doing.

I have a bunch of friends but then there is this one person who I am always thinking about and wanting something more with. She may not know it right now and it's only when I am single, however she is my main focal point for the next relationship. I stay single trying to see if between us it will work. I never bring up other potential females that I have recently met, I never talk about exs, and I never leave anything to regret in getting to know this person. She has my full interest, my undivided attention, as well as my intention on seeing where this will lead.

I don't know if girls think the same way that I do. I tend to think that they don't. For me however, that is the way I approach the situation.

Harm in many ways, including spiritually, emotionally, financially, socially, our freedom and liberty, even at times maybe physically or sexually.



Couldn't be more true. Thank you.



This is EXACTLY where I was going with my OP. Thanks for illustrating it better than I could.



I doubt it matters whether one is female or male. Some females think the same and approach the situation the same as this. Sometimes, if communication is not clear and forthcoming, the other person can get hurt. Just my opinion.

A person is going to get hurt somehow someway no matter what you try and do in life to stop it from happening.

If a woman wants nothing more than friendship, I give nothing more than friendship.

My opinion however is that "friends" are over rated. People come, people go...Friends come, they go...but a lover is forever. A lover is one who lingers in your heart for the full duration. I have plenty of friends that I could count on, if I were down in some way. I'm sure they'd invest time and emotional energy to listen to me whine, or offer me a couch to sleep on if I were homeless. But I'd never fully expose my inner most feelings to them. I'd never be completely emotionally intimate with a friend, male or female...
Don't get me wrong, I do love my friends, but I don't lie awake at night thinking of them.
I'd never open up to a female friend because she could casually betray my confident expressions in any current or future intimate relationship with some other man, who I'd never have wanted to know me in that way.

First, depends on what you define as a "lover".

Second, lovers hurt and betray one, too.

honest open communication is always the answer to any of those questions posed at the begining of this thread....

As a part of the communication there should be guidelines... rules... and expections set to some degree

Sad but true. But the general idea when you give yourself, and accept another in that way is that there won't be betrayed confidence.
You'll tell your husband, boyfriend, or significant other things you won't tell your poker buddies or casual friends.

Well first you have to define friends

1)Aquatence
2)Someone to go do things with
3)Someone to call in times of joy/trouble
4)Someone that you would sell the farm to save

There is a certain level of friendship and trust given to a person when you first meet them. then it is up to them and you to build on this friendship or let it lie were it is at.

The real key is when the friendship evolves from level one you need to be up front and honest about expectations, not that you say I want to spend the rest of my life with you but........how you think things are progressing, and each level of the progression the communication will get better and each will always know where they stand.


Love is a word that is so over used in many situations today.

I am one also that can say I never new true love before that day...............

The day I held my new born daughters in my arms. the love that you would lay down your life to save theirs

The people that have never experienced this feeling are the people who never will find true love or friendship

these are the people who spend their lives being so self centered that they wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped them in the face.

But the bottom line friendship is the building blocks to any relationship and then communicating your position early on will keep it solid

And they only WORK if both stick to them!

Have EXPECTATIONS and hold them to them. Don't let that slip.

That is very true

but has time elapses expectation change for individuals and having that open communication is important so both parties knowing each others expectations or needs

Some expectations, yes - but core limits and boundaries, no. Do not compromise yourself, because you will only feel bad and blame yourself later. Easier said than done, I know.

you should never compromise you core values for anyone. and if someone asked you to do this they are nor were they ever your true friend