I got this today & it really gave me a hoot! Political correctness at its best. Too funny... this is what twisted logic does.... LOL


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 01, 2008

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 02, 2008

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 03, 2008

RE: Holiday Party


Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 04, 2008

RE: Generic Holiday Party


What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.


There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F#$&*ng Employees


DATE: October 05, 2008

RE: The F*%#ing Holiday Party


I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fu&*^%g salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you %*#$'ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B* from HE*^!!!!!!!!



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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 06, 2008

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan

Have a Merry Christmas Quikstepper

ha ha, my friend asked me to keep him away from upper management at the Christmas party on Friday. Up to the point where I got drunk I did just that, then I kind of lost track of what he was up to. Went looking for him and he was bear hugging and kissing his old manager ha ha ha

LOL...Oh geez! Is that office appropriate?

I was at an office party where a couple people actually got up and made copies of their naughty bits on the old Xerox machine.

I could never make copies again without the image running thru my mind at random times resulting in a full on fit of giggles and a grateful feeling I didn't drink that much myself.

For an Irish Christmas party that's mild...

LOL...I know how wild they can get too... hehehe

That was hysterical.

Just goes to show one can't accommodate everyone, I say just have a party, bring your own food and drink and be done with it. Then go home and celibrate your own religious holiday. Seems so simple.

one of the best office "Holiday" Parties I ever attended was at the office - a Bank, actually. We cleard a place in the check sorting area and put a lovely decorated tree on a table. A desk was cleared off for the food and another for the booze.

The highest ranking officials at the party, was the Office Manager, the Operations Manager (myself), and the head of security - who was also a Chicago Police Detective.

Chicago, yes, absolutely no lack of alcohol. The Office Manager, had a rough week and decided not to eat. She lost footing and fell on the Tree. An employee helped her to her feet, and we all uprighted the tree.

At some point it seemed like a good idea to see who would really drink a flaming shot. The next time the tree went over it was in flames, but this time I caught the Office Manager.

We extinguighed the tree, the head of security took the manager home,and each time he returned there was another person to be taken home.

That year he increased the security staff, good thing, cos the next office party included all eight branches.

no no no no I don't no more, I'm tired of waking up on the floor --- No thank-you please it only makes me sneeze, and then it makes it hard to find the door.. (Ringo Starr)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=daBH2IlWcmM

A nice little song to go with the first post.

Now that's funny

WOOHOO! I love a good party!

I went to many good ones this year...only no setting trees on fire or people swinging from chandeliars now...but good anyway.

There's never a holiday gone by without some holiday jokes to go with them.