1. According to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten people are

2. Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.

3. Old musicians never die, they just decompose.

4. Now that I have your ear, Mr. Van Gogh...

5. Mary had potatoes, wine, salad, and a little lamb.

6. I'm so broke, I can't even afford to pay attention.

7. A physicist, a chemist and an economist are stranded on an island with nothing to eat. A can of soup washes ashore. The physicist says, "Let's smash the can open with a rock." The chemist says, "Let's build a fire and heat the can first." The economist says, "Let's assume that we have a can-opener..."

8. 'Hi Bob, Where have you been?'
'The cemetery.'
'Oh! Who's dead?'
'They all are.'

9. He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

10. Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.