3 nun's Meet St.Peter's

There was three nuns who died and went to purgatory(between heaven and
hell). Then ST. Peter went up to them and said, "before any of you can
enter heaven you must answer one question".

So ST. Peter went to the first nun and asked, "how long did it take for
God to create the world?" the nun replied, "seven days". So there was
bells ringing and fireworks, and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter
heaven".

Then ST. Peter ask the second nun, "who were the first man and woman"?
the nun replied, "Adam & Eve". so there was bells ringing and fireworks,
and ST. Peter said, "you may now enter heaven".

Then he asked the third nun, "what was the first thing that Eve said to
Adam?" and the nun said, "oh my that's really hard", then there was
bells ringing and fireworks.

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The Atheist

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the
religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in
communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a
church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job
and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured,
whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his
wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the
time of the day. So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes
towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your
advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my
neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays,
seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an
indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above: "B E C
A U S E H E D O E S N ' T B O T H E R M E A L L T H E T I M E !"
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Lawyers in Heaven

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a
tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for
them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life,
and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but
said they would have to wait.

It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They
were married in a simple ceremony.

So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this
time, that eternity was best not spent together.

They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy
forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is
there any way we can get divorced?"

"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a
priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
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Four Nuns

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the
first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis,"
she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven,"
Peter told her.

Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I
held a man's penis," she replied.

"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.

Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun. Peter asked her,
"Why did you push ahead in line?"

She said, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

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Two Nuns Painting

The head nun told 2 nuns too repaint the nun living quarters but they
would be in deep trouble if they got any paint on their robes.

so nun 1 thought "hey why don't we take all our clothes off and paint
and we won't get in trouble because our robes won't be soiled"

nun 2 said "great" so they started painting and nun 2 made sure the door
was locked so no one came in.

then there was a knock on the door.

nun 2 said "who is it??"

someone answered "blind man"

nun 1 said " it's a blind man let him in he won't see us"

so nun 2 unlocked the door and the man goes, "oh you've got really nice
boobs, anyway i'm here to fix the blinds"!!!!



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Religious Family

A 15 year old boy went into the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He
began looking at the packages, but wasn't sure what size to get so he
asked the pharmacist. The pharmicist got him the right size.

Later that night before dinner at his girlfriend's house her dad said a
rather lengthy prayer. When he was done the kid kept staring down at his
plate. After dinner when the couple was leaving, his girlfriend said, "
Gee, I didn't know you were so religious!"

The boy said, "And I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"
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God's Holidays
A friend asks God where he's going on holiday this year and God replies,
"Certainly not earth again. I went there about 2 millenia ago, got some
girl pregnant - they haven't stopped talking about it since!"
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God and his children
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the
thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing God said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," said God.

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" Adam and Eve both asked, jumping
up and down excitedly.

"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after
making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw the kids having an apple break, and he was
very angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the first parent asked.

"Uh-huh", replied Adam.

"Then why did you do it?" God asked exasperatedly.

"I dunno," Adam answered.

GOD'S PUNISHMENT was that Adam and Eve should have children of their
own.

Thus, the pattern was set, and it has never changed. But there is a
reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried
to give your children wisdom, and they haven't taken it, don't be so
hard on yourself.

If GOD had trouble handling his children, what makes you think it should
be a piece of cake for YOU???


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God Meets a Hippie
A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up, and
says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie,
astounded, peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance.
"God!" he says. "What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid?
I saw you, and you said we'd be in Heaven together forever!"

God thought for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk."

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Devil's Fence

The fence between Heaven and Hell fell. The Lord asked the Devil to pay
half the cost of repair.The Devil refused, the Lord said He would sue.

The Devil said " Oh yeah, and where will you find a lawyer?



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Devil on the car

Two nuns were driving along one day, when the devil suddenly appeared on
the bonnet / hood of the car.

Nun 1 : Oh Heavens ! What will we do ? How shall we get rid of him ?

Nun 2 : Hmm, I know, show him your cross.

Nun 1 : ( shouts ) GET OFF THE GOD DAMNED CAR !!!!!



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