Topic: memories. please read
Queene123's photo
Tue 11/18/08 02:08 PM
i wrote your name only to see that your not around, i wrote your name in memories of who you are, the angels and heaven we call them by name and dance with all our might untill the next following night

PDA's photo
Wed 11/19/08 01:46 AM

i wrote your name only to see that your not around, i wrote your name in memories of who you are, the angels and heaven we call them by name and dance with all our might untill the next following night


Again I will critize another poem. Its not to be rude or judgemental, just so it might be a little better. So please do NOT take offense to my suggestions.

Split it up in stanzas, like this:

--->i wrote your name only to see that your not around,
i wrote your name in memories of who you are,
the angels and heaven we call them by name
and dance with all our might untill the next following night---<

And then I would like to tell you that you use too many cliché’s. Ex:

Angels and heaven we call them by name. ->Very used in poetry-<

Dance with all our might. -> Also very used in poetry-<

The last line, you don't need to put 'NEXT'
Plus. Try and play around with the words. I like it, it says a lot in such short piece.

Thanks for sharing..

-PDA-



Queene123's photo
Wed 11/19/08 10:10 AM


i wrote your name only to see that your not around, i wrote your name in memories of who you are, the angels and heaven we call them by name and dance with all our might untill the next following night


Again I will critize another poem. Its not to be rude or judgemental, just so it might be a little better. So please do NOT take offense to my suggestions.

Split it up in stanzas, like this:

--->i wrote your name only to see that your not around,
i wrote your name in memories of who you are,
the angels and heaven we call them by name
and dance with all our might untill the next following night---<

And then I would like to tell you that you use too many cliché’s. Ex:

Angels and heaven we call them by name. ->Very used in poetry-<

Dance with all our might. -> Also very used in poetry-<

The last line, you don't need to put 'NEXT'
Plus. Try and play around with the words. I like it, it says a lot in such short piece.

Thanks for sharing..

-PDA-





excuse me, but its my writing, not yours i wouldnt correct your poem so dont correct mine. what i dont like most from a guy is when he crtitizes your spelling... i had a ex bf like thatexplode

no photo
Fri 11/21/08 07:51 AM



i wrote your name only to see that your not around, i wrote your name in memories of who you are, the angels and heaven we call them by name and dance with all our might untill the next following night


Again I will critize another poem. Its not to be rude or judgemental, just so it might be a little better. So please do NOT take offense to my suggestions.

Split it up in stanzas, like this:

--->i wrote your name only to see that your not around,
i wrote your name in memories of who you are,
the angels and heaven we call them by name
and dance with all our might untill the next following night---<

And then I would like to tell you that you use too many cliché’s. Ex:

Angels and heaven we call them by name. ->Very used in poetry-<

Dance with all our might. -> Also very used in poetry-<

The last line, you don't need to put 'NEXT'
Plus. Try and play around with the words. I like it, it says a lot in such short piece.

Thanks for sharing..

-PDA-





excuse me, but its my writing, not yours i wouldnt correct your poem so dont correct mine. what i dont like most from a guy is when he crtitizes your spelling... i had a ex bf like thatexplode


Miss Queene may I comment here? PDA is actually being quite nice.

Have you noticed how very few comments you get? I would venture a guess that it's primarily because your words are just a stream of conscious rather than formatted into a readable form. While your thoughts are quite lovely, if they are not put into a coherent format that most people can read and absorb, they will most likly pass it by.

You do indeed have wonderful thoughts and they should be shared in a way that would draw readers into reading and commenting on. Now you can tell me what you told PDA and express your dislike of being 'corrected' but truthfully you aren't being corrected. Nobody has said a word regarding the content. Most poetry boards are utilized to hone and perfect writing and to receive constructive criticism. It's the chance we take when we post it publicly yes? When I put my own work, I can always assume at least one person is going to offer constructive criticism and comments. An open mind will take those comments in the manner they are given.

You are clearly a creative woman with a big beautiful heart. Why dont you take another look at PDA's comments, I believe you'll find that he has offered up some rather nice constructive criticism based on good intentions which you have the option of acceping or denying gracefully ~

Take care :heart:

no photo
Fri 11/21/08 07:51 AM
Edited by MsWizard on Fri 11/21/08 07:52 AM



i wrote your name only to see that your not around, i wrote your name in memories of who you are, the angels and heaven we call them by name and dance with all our might untill the next following night


Again I will critize another poem. Its not to be rude or judgemental, just so it might be a little better. So please do NOT take offense to my suggestions.

Split it up in stanzas, like this:

--->i wrote your name only to see that your not around,
i wrote your name in memories of who you are,
the angels and heaven we call them by name
and dance with all our might untill the next following night---<

And then I would like to tell you that you use too many cliché’s. Ex:

Angels and heaven we call them by name. ->Very used in poetry-<

Dance with all our might. -> Also very used in poetry-<

The last line, you don't need to put 'NEXT'
Plus. Try and play around with the words. I like it, it says a lot in such short piece.

Thanks for sharing..

-PDA-





excuse me, but its my writing, not yours i wouldnt correct your poem so dont correct mine. what i dont like most from a guy is when he crtitizes your spelling... i had a ex bf like thatexplode