WARNING!

>
> Make sure your bladder is empty and your door is shut before reading
this.
>
> My son was in the next room when I read it and he was considering
calling 911.
>
> If you do not find this side splitting funny, let me know and I'll
never forward you anything again.
>
> ps. this is NOT AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL!
>
>
>
> I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're
definitely going to **** yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the
point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me
that if you eat it, the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
>
> Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups
of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No
'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way
through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual
morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and
lightning.
>
> Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just
when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store
that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
>
> Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart
and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't
until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the
pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking
about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to
hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
>
> The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a
revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the
small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and
before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which
would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into it.
>
> I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her
reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate,
as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two
different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some
of you at least will be able to relate.
> I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she
walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so
terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running,
was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible,
but then made me laugh......... Big Mistake.
>
> Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped
down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue
burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I
was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that
someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
>
> Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole
way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took
place.
>
> Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began
the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging. ; One poor fellow walked in while I was
in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofa*****!', then quickly left.
>
> Once finished I left the restroom, re-acquired my partially filled
cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee
approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few
minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store.
The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
which ought to take care of the problem.'
>
> That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me.
The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover
his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return.
>
> Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing
to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I
went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we
are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have
to repaint the store.

im freaking crying over here !

This is one of my favorite jokes of all time. I figured I would share it for those of us that need to get our minds off of being lonely.

I can't breathe im laughing so freakin' hard!!!!- that was the funniest damn thing i have ever read.

I hope you used the bathroom before you read this. I'm not kidding. The first time I read this I almost didn't make it to the toilet. I ended up pissing half was across the room and oddly enough made it in the tiolet.

Too Funny

OMG I think I just Pissed Meself laffin

/me hands you a box of depends

there ya go.. read it again.

This one hits home for me - I was in the same state in the restroom not knowing that a handicapped person was down the way in a stall. That is until he started banging his cane on the metal door. Then his son walks in and says Honest to God, Dad, if you don't stop eating those beans...... as I quietly exited.

Yeah I've had a similar experiance at work. I was sitting there trying my best to be quiet but it hurt too much so I just let it go. They had to evacuate that wing of the building for 4 hours it was so rank.

oh my god, my stomach is in so much pain and im crying that was hilarious!!!

That was funny

I almost peed my pants

Really? A long fart joke?

OMG!
Thank you so much for putting that up. Much needed laughter has helped me for the evening.

I think everyone has their secret weapon.

Mine is a couple bottles of Leinenkugels Red--works every time.

Shock and awe becomes me. Al-Qaida would be wiped out and they never saw it coming. Just a little one clears out a warehouse.

Now watch the ladies come flocking...

Nope a sh!t joke. It's a joke for the masses that most poeple can relate too. Have a sence of humor.

Also this joke comes with a warning so I am not liable for any of you who actualy do p!ss yourselves

<takes a bow>