Everyone has issues.

This may seem to be a pretty basic fact to most, but not too long ago it was an epiphany to me. See, I grew up convincing myself that everyone in the world was better than me, I was the only one with insecurities, and if and when anyone had a problem it was always somehow my fault. Of course, this makes no sense, but when one is ruled by one’s insecurities and self-deprecation practically from birth, these things seem perfectly rational.

I ran my life this way for a very long time, and by the time I was an adult it was such a part of me that I no longer even gave it a second thought.

Then it consumed me.

The church was always right, therefore I gave my soul to the church.

My husband was always right, therefore I gave my will to my husband.

My friends were always right, therefore I gave my opinions to my friends.

Strangers were always right, therefore I gave my worth to strangers.

People were always right, therefore I gave my freedom to people.

So who was I? A mixture of what everyone else wanted me to be or thought I was. And who did I think I was?


Exactly what I was. Nothing.

I began to break out of that hold about 4 years ago. I attribute this to three things: my son, whom I was pregnant with and who gave me a shot of testosterone, aka "balls", college, which I had just started, and Mountainview Assembly of God, the church I had given everything to, that **** all over me the moment I started college. Together, they pulled me, or threw me, out of the box into which I had put myself. I started finding my own style, forming my own opinions, and seeing my own worth.

Over 3 years went by. I was a new person. I finally looked in the mirror and knew I was… Jessi. I thought I was free.

But I was not.

I have always had one attribute which I have considered positive. One thing about me I was bound and determined not to change. Not in any way, not ever. That was my empathy. Caring about other people is a good thing, and I swore no matter how I changed I’d always care.

Some things we have to learn the hard way.

See, I’ve learned within the last year or so that other people’s issues are not only existent, they can have a huge effect on how they act and react to you. No matter how accommodating, understanding, nice, giving, or empathetic you are, they can still have bad reactions to you. Three of these reactions specifically I have learned to watch out for: Clinginess (aka "Oh my god you’re so great! I need you I need you I need you!!! Help, help help HELP!!!"), pity (aka "Wow, she’s such a P*ssy! I have no respect for that."), and use (aka "Wow, she’ll do anything for me! How can I use this to my advantage?"). I have learned that sometimes I have to pull my b*tch out.

I hate that. So much.

I know, I know I can be very idealistic. People are people no matter what. I see flaws now, though I don’t hold them against anyone – people are flawed. Still, it would be so nice if people would follow the Golden Rule, but they don’t. Again and again I have seen my care and concern used against me by people who simply don’t deserve it.

ANYway, moving on…

So I have decided that for the sake of my sanity, my self, and my children, I will only give my empathy to those who return theirs to me from now on. Everyone else will get a wall I have erected over the course of the last 4 years, guarded by a sentinel named b*tchy Jessi. She won’t push if they don’t, but she won’t care about their issues either.

See cuz guess what? I have issues too, and I need someone’s shoulder sometimes myself. It’s called real friendship, true care… the Golden Rule.

Thank-YOU for being a true friend. Here’s the key to the door in the Wall.

Thanks for reading my rant.

Nice write. The reality is you can't take care of everybody; and most of them aren't going to take care of you, either, unless they figure there's something you can do for them.

There is more to you than just being an adjunct to other people/institutions, etc.

Empathy is a beautiful thing. But it needs to be focused.

Nice write Jessi It takes many people many more years to figure out that, and some people never do. Putting it into practice is also not so easy to do but practice makes perfect, or so they say. You'll know in your gut when a relationship is a one-way street, that's when you pull out the big guns and say nope, I deserve better than this and YOU are not my responsibility unless and until I take care of ME first.

Good luck, I have a feeling this is one aspect of your life you'll do well with

It's not a rant. It's reality and, not just your's. Thank you for the read. I do appreciate your staight forwardness. I needed to read this.
Wendy

Jessi, if you are happy with who you are now then you are there. Remember that everything that happens to us, makes us the people that we are.
At times I am mildly appreciative of those who have been turds, for lack of a better word, because I like who I am now.

Hang in there Girl. You sure did good with that posting!

THANK YOU. You have no idea how much I personally needed that reminder today. I generally live by that philosophy too...but lost it somewhere.

no more.

Could it all be boiled down to one thing?????

Experience???

I love reading your posts, thank you for sharing. I think you are superb!

Thank you all. It's just something we all have to learn, right? I still say it sucks, because I'd so much rather be giving to everyone, but we all have only so much to give without being replenished ourselves. That's not selfishness, I don't think (thus the quotes in the title), but it sure feels like it sometimes.

I'm now taken... as of last weekend. And I'm very happy with him. He's the first man I have been with who wants to give as much as I do. It's so amazing! I would ask that blessing on all people everywhere, but ya gotta learn this lesson if you give too much first, or, if you take too much, ya gotta learn to give, or it'll never happen. It took me till I was 31... and that's why.



lilith... Thank-you.

Snarky you are more than welcome.

Very well written. I also learned that if you dont take care of yourself no one else will and love those who love you.

Until you're on the recieving end of unwanted attention, you probably won't understand why you are being treated the way you are. Imagine getting hit on, loved, getting presents, unconditional love... from someone you don't want it from.

The reaction you would give is exactly the actions you are complaining about.



There are two sides to everything.

I think you're misunderstanding my post... and I have been stalked. By an ex boyfriend. It does suck. Not the same thing.

If you aren't misnuderstadning my post, then I am to assume you think that I stalk at least 75% of people I know.