Satan vists the church
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes
up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the
townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their
families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined
efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated
from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly
oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This
confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't
you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure
ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says,
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
---------------------------------------------------------------
Hide him during a war
It was about a month ago when a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to
confess, so went to his priest:

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my
attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
----------------------------------------------------
Overcrowded church
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing
capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon
when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru
the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other
stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their
coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for
Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out
the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the
church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All
right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
-------------------------------------------------------------
Bloopers in the church
The following are actual church bulletin board bloopers found in
churches across the United States.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people
who are not afflicted with any church.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door.

Ushers will eat latecomers.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical
accomplishment.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.

Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich
Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks
are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the
piano, which as usual fell upon her.

Twenty-two members were present at the church meeting held at the home
of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs.
Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.

A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.

Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace
Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! An awful voice is sounding"

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD Dr.
Hargreaves is better.

Potluck supper: Prayer and medication to follow.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.

The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation Massages can be given to church secretary.

11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice."

13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at
the side entrance."

14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and
community."

15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy."

16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full
choir."

18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good -
Dr. Hargreaves is better."

19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church."

21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning
to join the choir."

23. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was
given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

24. Please join us as we show our suport for Amy and Alan in preparing
for the girth of their first child.

----------------------------------------------------------


A little girl wants to go
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she
started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and
throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
return so quickly?"

The little girl replied: " Well, Bush was at the front of the door and
they wouldn't let me puke behind him So I puked on him."
--------------------------------------------------------------