DOCTOR JOKES:

Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heared once
about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of
typhus."
"Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia
he will die of pneumonia."
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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The
boss says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh!
I accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your
other ear?"
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

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A SHORT HISTORY OF MEDICINE: "Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

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A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber
arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a
while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much
as a doctor!."
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

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A doctor said to his car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per
hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't
changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models
coming every year."

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The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to
play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the
insurance company."

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"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

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"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

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"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands
shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

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"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"

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A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated:
"I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see,
I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just
leave me alone."

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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24
hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very
bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

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Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

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A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a
carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."?

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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
"You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After
many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

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LAWYER JOKES:

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three
questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"
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"I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making
money."
"Why do you say that?"
"Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking
about your case: $25'."

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The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went
to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his
father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his
father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the
accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case
for ten years!"

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A lawyer, who was talking to his son about entering college, said, "Now
got into your head that you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?"

"Well, dad," answered the son, "did you ever hear anybody get up in a
croud and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?' "

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Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer
can make it last even longer


When the man in the street says: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it," the
lawyer writes: "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are
agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so
stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to
exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
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In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.

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A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a
long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was
won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the
attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

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A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil.
As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he
recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that
lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are
you to question that woman's punishment?"