My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with
that.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my
human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt
right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the
stuff out of my fur.)

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl
at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and
stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the
Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to
sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside.
If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the
couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase
leaves.

I will not intrude on my humans candle-lit bubble bath and singe my
bottom.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something
in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave
me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it
dissolves in boiling coffee.

When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite
down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.
It is not necessary to check every door.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and
try to open it up to get the birds out.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will
move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and
walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my
humans sit there and laugh.

Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have
been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered
the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my
window.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to
bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really
come true.

I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important
emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door.
They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so
hard.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in
its bowl.

I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there
until I get hungry.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of
the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to
the underside.

I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing
things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty"
instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET
HELP!!!!!"

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose
at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the
scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

Can ya tell I have cats????

Had one myself (unfortunately my mother is allergic and had to give her
away to take care of parent) and every SINGLE solitary word is
absolutely verifiable and undeniably TRUE......and funnier than h*ll
!!!!!!!! ROFLMAO

Its not that you have cats Thndrghost.. its that they have you. theres a
moment between kitten and full grown cat hood that they realize that
they own you.

Jeff...lmao that moment was when I went to see them for the first time
at the breeders

well i didn't notice mine til that moment i mentioned

I must have had 'Sucker' written all over me...lmao

you have NO clue how hard i was laughing.
my cat,
at this very moment,
is dumping socks out of the cupboard next to me.
a LOT of socks.

Good one Thndghost

That is tooooooooooo funny & very true. Cats have the most warped sense
of humor in the animal kingdom. I love it!!!

I love it....this is so true, cats are the greatest little fur critters.