this is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook off in texas.
pay attention to the first 2 judges as the 3rd is evan better.
judge #3(frank) was an inexperienced chili taster from springfield ill.
Frank" recently, i was honered to be selected as a judge at a chili cook off. the original person called in sick at the last moment and i happenned to be standing there at the judges table, asking for directions to the coors light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native texans) that the chilli wouldnt be all that spicy; and , besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became judge 3"

here are the judges comments
CHILI #1 MIKES MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
judge 1- a little too heavy on the tomatoe. amusing kick.
judge 2- nice, smooth tomatoe flavor. very mild
judge 3-(frank) holy crap, what the heck is in this stuff? you could remove dried paint from your driveway. took me 2 beers to put the flames out. i hope thats the worst one. these texans are crazy!
CHILI #2 AUSTINS AFTERBURNER CHILI
judge 1_ smoky, with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang.
judge 2- exciting bbq flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
judge3- keep this out of the reach of children, i'm not sure what i am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to waive off 2 people that wanted to give me the heimlich maneaver. they had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI#3 FREDS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
judge 1- excellent firehouse chili, great kick
judge 2-a bit slty good use of peppers.
judge 3_call the EPA i have located a uranium spill. my nose feels like i have been snorting DRANO.get me more beer before i ignite. barmaid pounded me on the back and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. i think i am getting drunk from all the beer.
CHILI#4 BUBBAS BLACK MAGIC
judge 1- black bean chili with almost no spice, disapointing.
judge 2- hint of lime in the black beans, good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
judge3- i felt something scraping accross my tongue, but was unable to taste it. is it possible to burn out taste buds? sally the beer maid is standing by with refills.
CHILI#5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
judge 1- meaty, strong chili. cayenne peppers freshley ground, adding considerable kick. very impressive.
judge2-chili using shredded beef, could use more tomatoe, must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
judge 3-My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and i can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. the contestant seemed offended when i told that her chili had given me brain damage. sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer on it from the pitcher.i wonder if i'm burning my lips off. it really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
CHILI#6 VERAS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
judge 1-thin yet bold, good balance of spices and peppers
judge 2-the best yet. aggressive use of peppers, onions , garlic. superb
judge 3-my intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. i crapped on myself when i farted, i am worried it will eat thru the chair. no one seems inclined to stand beside me except sally. cant feel my lips anymore. i need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
CHILI# 7 SUSANS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
judge 1- a mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
judge 2-ho hum tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment**i should take note that i am worried about judge #3. he appears to be a bit distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
judge3-you could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and i wouldnt feel a thing. i've lost sight in one eye , and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. my shirt is covered with chili,which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. my pants are filled with lava to match my shirt. at least during the autopsy they will know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing- its to painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway . if i need air i will suck it thru the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI #8 BIG TOMS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
judge 1 the perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili
judge2-this final entry is a good balanced chili. niehter mild nor hot. sorry to see that most of it was lost when judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.not sure he is going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
judge 3- no report