ok... hello all.. maybe you guys can help me with a BIG problem I am having at the moment... I have jus came out of a six year rollercoaster from hell that I called a relationship! I am sure some of you know how that is.. I have a 3 yr. old daughter with her... I know that I love my "babies momma" and I always will because we share somthing so special... but, she did me reaaalllly wrong.. she put me in debt because she wanted to be young and dumb and ended up getting hooked on coke.. and cheated on me.. the later part I didn't know about until she broke up with me about a week or two out of rehab.. and it happened the weekend before she went to rehab... I know people with addictions do messed up things.. but, I can't deal with the cheating and dishonesty.. we have been apart for a month and I have started to move on.. I changed jobs.. and have things going really well.. now she wants to try to work through it and is being very clingy... I love her and I want to be with her... but, I have built a wall.. I am very jaded now.. I think I like being single right now...but, I am afraid I could hurt her if I let her go.. we have been having sex.. and it is great.. but, I am not sure what I want... what should I do?

Thanks
-nick

honestly imo.... its to hard to get back with someone when they do you wrong cuz you will always have it in the back of your head. difference is you have a child together.... she needs both of you at the same time... toughy

my kid is very important to me.. I want her to have a family that isn't split.. ?? arggg!

yea i kno thats why i said she needs both of you at the same time :( i hear yea man

Even though you think she does need you,do you think you can start a new relationship without trust?What is done is done...All you can do is be there for your child now

Wow.. Quite a predicament you're in.. First of all regardless of what you decide to do, you need time to sort out your thoughts first. So not being together right now is probably the better option.

I have seen so many people stay together for the kids. This is a 50/50 gamble. One of two things will happen. You will get along fine or you will not. But why put the kids through this storm you're weathering? Granted, kids are very resilient, but I have seen some of them hurt in such a way that will leave a scar forever.

First of all, she was a drug addicted who cheated on you. There will definitely be a trust factor there. She would have to earn your trust back. The question is, are you both prepared to do what it takes to make it work? In this case it would be exhausting trying to find what you had before all of the insanity. The problem is, will you ever see her in the same way?

The only person that knows for sure what you should do is you. You said it yourself. You want to be single for a while. So do it. Give yourself a chance to clear your head.

One thin you could do is make a list of pros and cons. Which would out weigh the other?

If you do not want to be with her anymore, but stay with her because of the kid, then you will be unhappy. And that isn't healthy for you, your child, or the other party.

You have a lot to think about. Try to step back and see the whole picture. There isn't a time frame in which this can be done. Take your time. And when you're ready to make a decision, you will know. It takes time. You're definitely not in a position to make that decision now.. Good luck..

Do u think the relationship could work? or is it jus stupid to even been optimistic about it?

thanks

wow! that is amazing.. I was jus thinking... Will I be able to see her the same way I did.. no... and stuff is still comming out too... so, I would have to be blind and def not to.. I first thought when she told me she still loved me.. that I could make it happen.. but, not so sure.. unless time heals the wounds... time... hmm.. I kinda felt guilty for enjoying the single life.. I don't get to see my kid as much as I would like.. and I know she misses me.. I work nights tho.. what should I do about that?

TO BE HONEST WHEN YOU GO THREW SOMETHING LIKE THAT YOU NEED TO JUST TAKE A STEP BACK AND TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT THE PAST YOU HAVE WITH HER AND STOP AN THINK DO THE GOOD TIMES OUT WAY THE BAD OR THE BAD OUT WAY THE GOOD? I UNDER STAND THAT YOU WANT TO BE A FAMILY FOR YOUR CHILD AND I THINK THAT IS GREAT BUT YOU NEED TO STOP AND ASK YOUR SELF IF SHE HAS REALLY CHANGED? MAYBE YOUR BEST COURSE OF ACTION WOULD BE TO SET HER DOWN AND TELL HER STRAIT OUT LOOK I DO STILL LOVE YOU BUT I THINK THAT BEFORE WE TRY THIS AGAIN YOU NEED TO BE FIRMLY BACK ON YOUR FEET. LET KNOW THOUGHT THAT YOU WILL BE THERE FOR HER JUST AS A FRIEND NOT A BOYFRIEND BUT THAT IN THE FUTURE AFTER SHE IS BACK ON HER FEET YOU ARE WILLING TO TRY AND BE A FAMILY AGAIN.

You shouldn't feel guilty for something you have no control over. It's not your fault. The kids will understand in time. Just visit them as much as you can.

OMGAAAAAAWD......SOO MUCH TO READ!!!!!!!!!
ITS HURTING MY EYES!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!

Hehe, i know this story. I decided to give her another chance. It didnt have a happy ending.

Here is the reality. If you don't try, your going to regret it. If you do try, your DEFENTLY are going to regret it. The question is how much of an emotional masochist are you? If you don't try, you will only regret it when you don't have a girlfriend or someone hanging all over you.

Further more, she doesn't need to be in a relastionship. Ask anyone in AA or NA, and they will tell you it's HEAVILY suggested that you stay out of a relastionship for atleast a year.

This is also the point where both men and women lose all sense of intellegence and decide that they shall be the hero and 'fight for love'. Sure it's romantic, and its against all odds. Sure you think this time will be differnt, and that you two share something profoundly differnt. But umm.. It's 'against all odds' for a reason. Now go listen to everchanging by rise against, and slowly shake your head at how freakin accurate it is to your paticular situation. :) Jan nee!

that song.. man.. it's crazy how similar it is to what I am going thru.. thanks for that..

If your not married (don't think you said) just go slow with it, don't live together and just see each other on a casual level and see what happens.If it's been a "ride from hell" for 3 years...I wouldn't expect anything to change in the near future...sounds like she has serious problems other then just drug addictions.Don't let the "don't want kid to have parents split routine" influence your discision...kids adapt very well as long as they get the love they need...and staying in a bad relationship will do them more harm then good...JMO

The word al-anon comes to mind. The first part of denial a person has to get through to move on from an addict/alcoholic is that everyone is sick, spouses and children included. To quote a passage read by many an alcoholic, "Living with an alcoholic is enough to make any woman or child neurotic."

http://whytehouse.com/big_book_search/book/ch9p122.html

You did't think you were special because you were a guy, did you?

can you get over the cheating part?? IMO there is not excuse for cheating.. drugs, alcohol, or anything else. Once a cheater always a cheater is the saying and from experience I whole heartedly agree.. Heck.. my ex even went as far as to blame me for her cheating...ummm with 3 different guys..... imagine that..
If you did get back with her is that something you can just forget about or put in the back of your mind? You say your still finding things out.. well what if you find out she cheated more than once?
I tried giving it chance after chance.. and its all good when theyre begging for another chance.. problem is(in my case) she felt she had nothing to make up for.. didnt have to make up for the hurt and distrust.. after all.. it wasnt her fault.. it was justified..
Sorry.. I just have a problem with cheaters if you cant tell.
Good luck

Wow what a tough situation you are in BUT hopefully this can shed a little light for you? If you stay together because of your daughter, don't be fooled into thinking your daughter won't know the reason you are together. She might not know right now...but when she gets older, she will. My parents did that for us...they had an agreement to go their own ways when we all reached 18. We watched our mother live a relationship of not being able to trust my father. So what did we learn out of this...to look for signs of cheating!! You pass those kind of things on to your children!!
If you live without trust, then honestly..what do you have? Can you really go through every day not knowing what she is doing when she is not with you? In the back of your mind will you be wondering if she is cheating on you again and again? If so, serious...is this how you want to live and is this how you want your daughter to be raised?? Trust me, you will say that your daughter won't know...BUT she will!!
You can not go back to your ex because you THINK she needs you. How do you know that she won't always use that as a crutch your whole life and then before you know it, your life has passed you by and you are still miserable?? I am a firm believer that IF someone cheated on you once...something was wrong in your relationship and obviously they didn't have enough respect for YOU to come and fix it!!! Once they stray the trust is forever broken...you will never look at her the same again.
The main reason to stay with her is because you are IN love with her. The wrong reasons to stay with her is because of your daughter and because your ex needs you. I hope you make the choice that is right for you

I'm not a therapist....but in your situation I would recommend that you seek out the assistance of a professional....we can all give you suggestions, but none of us really knows what is going on inside your heads or your past history....

you have much to sort out & truly an outside objective view from a professional makes the most sense to me....

I hope things start to work for you....whatever you choose...

there are plenty of fish in the sea..move on

Just be thankful you're not married or you'd owe Spousal Support as well as Child Support.

If you decided to give it a go, do it slow.
If things don't change; then hit the road...


From where I sit she sounds like a train wreck, why hold yourself open to become anymore part of the collateral damage than the Child Support?