> I called my friend Andy Sable, a
> gastroenterologist, to
> make an
> appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later,
> in
> his office,
> Andy
> showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy
> organ
> that
> appears to go all over the place, at one point passing
> briefly
> through
> Minneapolis .
>
>
> Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
> thorough,
> reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but
> I
> didn't really
> hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
> quote,
> 'HE'S
> GOING TO
> STICK A TUBE
> 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
>
> I left Andy's office with some written instructions,
> and a
> prescription
> for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in
> a box large
> enough to
> hold
> a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later;
> for
> now suffice
> it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the
> hands of
> America's
> enemies.
>
> I spent the next several days productively sitting around
> being
> nervous.
> Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
> preparation.
> In
> accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
> solid food
> that day; all
> I
> had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with
> less
> flavor.
> Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
> packets
> of powder
> together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
> lukewarm water
> (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is
> about
> 32 gallons)
>
> Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
> hour,
> because
> MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
> mixture of
> goat spit and
> urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
>
> The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody
> with
> a great
> sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a
> loose watery
> bowel
> movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that
> after you
> jump off
> your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
>
> MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
> graphic,
> here, but:
> Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
> much
> the
> MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are
> times
> when you wish
> the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
> pretty much
> confined to
> the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
> everything. And
> then, when
> you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
> another
> liter of
> MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
> bowels
> travel into the
> future and start eliminating food that you have not even
> eaten
> yet.
>
> After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
> The next
> morning
> my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
> only was
> I worried
> about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
> occasional
> return bouts
> of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I
> spurt on
> Andy?' How
> do
> you apologize to a friend for something like that?
> Flowers
> would not be
> enough.
>
> At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that
> I
> understood
> and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
> Then
> they led me
> to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went
> inside
> a little
> curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of
> those
> hospital
> garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when
> you
> put it on,
> makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
> naked.
>
> Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
> my
> left hand.
> Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good,
> and I
> was
> already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people
> put
> vodka in
> their MoviPrep. At first was ticked off that I hadn't
> thought of
> this, but
> then
> I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
> to
> make it to the
> bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose
> Mode.
> You would
> have no choice but to burn your house.
>
> When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
> procedure
> room,
> where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
> anesthesiologist. I
> did not see
> the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around
> there
> somewhere.
>
> I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
> over on
> my left
> side,
> and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the
> needle in my
> hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized
> that
> the song
> was 'Dancing Queen' by Abba. I remarked to Andy
> that, of all
> the
> songs
> that could be playing during this particular procedure,
> 'Dancing
> Queen'
> has
> to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it
> up?' said
> Andy,
> from
> somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it
> was time, the
> moment
> I
> had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
> squeamish,
> prepare
> yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit
> detail,
> exactly what
> it was like.
>
> I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment,
> Abba was
> shrieking
> 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine
> ...' and the
> next
> moment,
> I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow
> mood.
> Andy was
> looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
> excellent. I
> felt even
> more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and
> that
> my colon had
> passed with flying colors.
>
> I have never been prouder of an internal organ.