In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was
larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his
wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and
says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I
want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time
he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen
donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust."

HER DIARY

Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

He just sat there and watched TV.; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

Today the Yankees lost, but at least I got laid.

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fianc�e's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fianc�e what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

As husbands and wives will, from time to time, my wife and I were having the discussion about what would happen in the eventuality that one of us would predecease the other like...tomorrow night. The usual "would you remarry?" questions were asked and answered.

I asked my wife, "If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, and you were the last woman alive on the face of the Earth, would you help procreate the species? Assume there were 10 men that were a mixture of reasonably attractive, and totally repugnant."

My wife asked, "Are you alive or dead?"

"Where I was standing at the moment the war broke out is now a smoking hole," I informed her.

A few moments of consideration. "Yes, reluctantly, if I were the last woman on the face of the Earth, and the survival of the species depended on it, I'd have to do what was necessary."

I was wandering into the kitchen to refill my drink when I heard this, muttered under her breath:

"...bet your ass, I'd set myself up as Queen, though."

I called my 7-year old son to dinner last night, telling him that it was almost ready.

"Just a sec," he said.

"Dinnertime," I told him.

"Just a sec," he said.

"No more," I told him. "I warned you a few minutes ago."

Silence, as he continued working on whatever project he was working on. I reached over and took it away from him. "No more secs means NO MORE SECS."

As I spoke the words, I realized I sounded just like my wife.

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,'answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT???' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move.' **

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minuteslater..... 'Daad....' 'What?' 'I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?' 'No, You had your chance. Lights out.' Five minutes later; 'Da-aaaad.....' 'WHAT?' 'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!' Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....' 'WHAT!' 'When you come in to spank me,can you bring a drink of water?'**

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?' The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?' The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. 'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice; 'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mom says it's a b-tch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, 'Mommy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.' 'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your butt?'

7. FOR MY TEACHER FRIENDS.... A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a is seven. Three plus six, that son of a ***** is nine....' His mother heard what he was saying and gasped,'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mom.' 'And is this how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked. 'Yes,' he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?' The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a ***** is four?' After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '..... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!' The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?' One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said; 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'' The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

** 9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, 'I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.' Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.' The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?' She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'**

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?' Her mother replied, 'No,you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.' The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, 'If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair eating a snack cake while her dad gets his hair cut. The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

Mornin..i dont wanna be awake

stayed up too late last nite

-----------------MARCH BABY --------------------
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and
Reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous
And sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.
Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered.
Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness.
Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up
Feelings. Observant and assesses others.

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby
**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"

Love, Your Wife

LOVE......................when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST.......................when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE............when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE......................when intercourse is called making love.
LUST.......................all other times.
MARRIAGE............what's intercourse?

LOVE......................when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST.......................when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE............when you argue over money.

LOVE......................when you share everything you own.
LUST.......................when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE............when the bank owns everything.

LOVE......................when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST.......................when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE............what's a climax?

LOVE......................when you phone each other just to say "G'day".
LUST.......................when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE............when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE......................when you write poems about your partner.
LUST.......................when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE............when all you write is checks.

LOVE......................when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST.......................when you couldn't give a ****.
MARRIAGE............when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE......................when your farewell is "I love you darling ..."
LUST.......................when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE............when your farewell is silent.

LOVE......................when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST.......................when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE............when you never see each other awake.

LOVE......................when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST.......................when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE............when your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE......................when nobody else matters.
LUST.......................when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE............when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE......................when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST.......................when it's just the same mushy old ****.
MARRIAGE............when you never listen to music.

LOVE......................when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST.......................when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE............when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE......................when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST.......................when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE............when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.