Thank you again MzEm...and thank you too AngelLight. I just wish the heartbreak would stop coming MzEm...

Thank you for your earlier comment as well as this one. You seem so kind and understanding. People don't realize how hard it is to deal with something like this. *hugz* I've actually been writing more lately (poetry). It's hard though because I did just start school again, but I hope to find time to keep writing and like you say, work on some issues of my own.

Step forward
Out of the shadows,
That cigarette
Dangling from your
Parched lips.
I want to run you
Over with my car
Because you lied
To me again.

Who's on your mind
Dear lover?
For when is it
Truly right
To play me like
A pawn in
A chess game,
Not letting me move
Until the other
Player has already won?

I cannot run to him,
But I dare not run to you.
Either way I'll be the one
Who's used.

I will not keep promises,
Nor can I be true.
Where can I go?
Who will accept this
Wretched creature,
This wh*re?
Can you?

If only I could be
What I'm supposed to be,
But I don't know what that is.
Look's like I'm back
On the razor's edge again.

Can I hate you?
Will I need you?
What kind of borderline is this?
I can't see the edge
And I never knew I'd fall so fast
Into this endless abyss.

Cold darkness.
Scars.
Who will love me now?

wow...that's really deep and touching....very true to my life 2...

beautifully poetic made me think about my own life

Thank you for the comments MzEm and Gossipmpm. Unfortunately this poem is very true right now in my life...

I am under my parents insurance until I'm 25.

Candles burn
To hide the fire
Scorching your soul.
The mask is the only
Disguise you know.

You asked me
What I wanted,
But I didn't know.
You took what you wanted
And still
There was nothing
Left to show.

I felt his heartbeat
As I thought of you,
And I wondered what
I was supposed to feel.
Regret, guilt, remorse?
But I was numb,
Unable to think or feel.

In these bed of lies
There is an emptiness,
A loneliness I feel inside.
I feel your body,
But I remain in darkness,
Numb to kiss or touch.
When you say it's over
I hear him whisper
That he loves me
And I don't know
Which bed I'm in
Or who I'm with.
I just know I can't get out
Of this bed of lies
I've trapped myself in.

depends...hell i'd wanna see the pics and then make some with him myself....like above person stated (gossipmpm)

Update to this catastrophy:

I wish I could say I followed through, but I didn't. I ended up sleeping with the guy with the gf (took barely 5 min and I got no fun out of it) and then since I got no fun out of it I immediately went back to my bf/ex and said "Will you have sex with me?" and of course he did. So now he's back....

I wish I could seek help in therapy but I was in therapy for 3 years and the reason why my therapist and I broke up was because of my bf. She told me that I had to stop seeing him before I could come back. I told her that I couldn't, but hopefully some day. That was like a year ago. We've been together 1.5 years (my bf and I). She couldn't see me getting better if I didn't leave him and truly focus on myself. I agreed, but I just couldn't leave, and I still can't today. Plus there is the money issue of how much therapy costs. I do not work and my parents pay for everything (I'm in school right now).

I don't know why I even started this thread. I probably shouldn't have because I should have known I couldn't get out. It's been so long that I've been with him that it's nearly impossible now. I don't take a lot of crap from him anymore and I'm not going to let him freeload off me now, but I'm not...I don't know. The sex is great with him when it's great. When it's bad it's really bad. True it hasn't been bad in quite some time. Maybe I'm afraid that he's trying to do better in our relationship and maybe I'm afraid he is doing better and maybe I'm afraid of actually committing. I don't know. I'm only 22. I feel like a whore. I just wish I never would have lost my virginity in the first place.

There are no decent guys around here it seems. Every guy has an angle. I'll be sweet to you if you give me what I want or give me what I want or else. I have not met one decent guy around here. It's so sad and it scares me. I feel like a bad person, but I also feel like I can't help what I'm doing. I don't know what I want when it comes to sex or men anymore. I've sorta' just gone numb. When I'm horny it's like whoever's around I'll f*ck. That sounds awful doesn't it? Maybe I stay with my bf so that I don't wind up in a worse mess than I'm already in? I don't know. At least it's familiar. I know I have major issues but there is just no money or time or the right person to talk to about them. I keep doing this "Okay we're over....oh wait, I guess we're not" thing...it's the Borderline "I hate you, don't leave me"....I wish I understood my own thoughts and my own needs, but I don't.

thank you Snugglesbyfire i plan to come back to this thread if i should want to go back to him...

Well my adoptive mom was better than my biological mom. True we had our issues, but I know I inherited my Borderline Personality disorder from my biological mother and I know she has polio so she definitely was not physically or mentally capable of taking care of me. Plus my biological dad is sort of slow, so it wouldn't have been a good combination. Quite frankly, I'm surprised I turned out as well as I did considering all of the genetics and environmental factors against me. And yeah, my adoptive mom has been on estrogen and they're having her cut down as she gets older. She went through menopause overnight after her hysterectomy which must have been a nightmare for her. During my teen years she and I were like sisters and fought constantly (mind you I was an only child). It's nice to visit with her and not have to live with her anymore.

thanx auburngirl

thanks tngx165....and yes I know it was a little ironic the "Am I a bad person?" part...

***************************************************

To everyone in this thread: I just saw my bf and told him that I was sick of his freeloading and I packed up what little was his (food/drink wise) and I took him home. I took his keys away (he has a key to my car and to my apartment and now I have them back) and he's like "you'll be back tonight" and I said "no I won't." He thinks I'll be back, but I am sick of his freeloading. By the time he gets money I will have moved on from him. He thinks giving me full body massages is the same amount cost wise as all the driving/food/drinks/phone etc. that he uses from me. But I'm not buying that anymore. I am done with him (I've gone a week before without him) and I believe I can really get rid of him this time. Considering now he really has nothing to offer me. Thank you to everyone on this thread. Let's just hope I can keep him away.

yeah...i just hope it'll stick this time...i've tried leaving him so many times...but i'm really, really tired of him freeloading now....he's been using my car for over 2 months, eating my food, drinking my drinks, using my computer, tv, ps2, etc. and he has NO JOB so he cannot pay me or get me any food/drinks in return. I even bought him a phone card for his phone. I've driven him to food pantries. It's to the point now where I just can't afford to "take care" of him anymore. He's 38 and I'm 22. I take better care of myself than he does himself. And I've found a good friend now that I can lean on, and I've got other friends I can go to. Besides school has started and that SHOULD keep me busy. Thank you, though. Really. I appreciate everything you said. Sometimes I need a good kick in the azz to get me going (and thanks for not judging me). And yes, it's much easier to help other people rather than yourself (most of the time anyway).

thank you heather.....yeah it's weird...i can always give great advice to other people but then when i look at my life it's like "crap, now what?" i never really thought of looking at it that way...thanks...

thank you guys i appreciate no judgment but also the boot in the ass

Law & Order SVU is awesome. That's my fav, but they're all good.

Please try not to judge me. This is a sticky situation and I am throwing myself out there (and it doesn't make me look good), but I want answers, not judgment.

I do have a question. Anyone in here have problems with relationships? I know I'm young and I'm not sure if it's because I'm young that I have these problems or if it's part of my Borderline Personality Disorder pushing through. I wish I lived back in my parents' days where they dated a lot of people in order to know who they wanted to be with. You may think that's strange but these days it's like if you're with somebody you HAVE TO BE WITH THEM. If you want to try and date other people the other person freaks out and calls you a cheater. See, I've had this boyfriend for 1.5 years and we haven't had the best relationship. He's separated from his wife and has a son. He slept with her 2 weeks into our relationship (I found this out a few months into our relationship). Well I've cheated on him with 5 guys in this 1.5 years we've been together (only going all the way/sleeping with one guy, but doing other sexual things with the others). 1 of the guys and I are still close (he has a gf who lives a few hours away whose parents' don't like him but that's another story) and we hang out quite frequently but haven't done anything sexual since we started hanging out again. Maybe I should add in that my boyfriend can be very abusive and has raped me in the past (he's also a freeloader). When he's a jerk is when I've usually turned to other guys, but other times it's just because he has his son or is busy. Is it wrong to want to see what else is out there? Am I bad person? I really do want to see what else is out there, but I know I'm not going about it in the right way. Someone HELP!!!???

I am happy to be a part of this little forum. You guys seem nice.