It's on DVD now, I have it.

I am bored watching stuff, so I am gonna see how I drunk I can get in 2 hours, who's with me?
I'll be back on later but really depressed.

I am watching dexter right now, and being a serial killer never seemed so cool and fun.

That was good. I can relate.

only a broken heart could understand
about being torn up when things don't go as planned
I play my love like poker I'm all in
and I've lost it all and I have to start again
stalled in the center lane I guess I should have changed
Instead I think of what I should have checked before I left point my finger at myself I take the blame.

In a corner room where I sit all by myself with a half empty bottle of cheap gin
I don't even own a glass to use it I am truly starting over again
when what I held on to as true was ripped away by selfishness
how can I help but be anything but self loathing and depressed
So I'll put my sunshine feeling on hold for a while
until I find a reason to smile

If I pray hard enough would it make it all a bad dream
A dramatic episode ruined by a relieving scene
cause this show with out her character lacks the substance it had
But for it to just be a dream would make fate just lazy and bad
But in life I have never seen a happy ending that wasn't paid extra for
so perhaps mediocre, boring, no emotion, no darkness, no sunlight is what we are all striving for

I feel this pain from feet to my teeth
I see my scarred exterior and wonder what lies beneath
Is it just jealousy, that some man is better than me
Is it just vanity because she's the one who left me
This cancerous thought just spreads through my brain
and I am left holding the bag no one to talk to or call just to check and see if I have finally gone insane.

I could use a hug

I see my stomach hang down and I am filled with self disdain
I wince when I take a step but tell myself I don't feel pain
I get up in the morning questioning if I am even alive
what I want and need are unattainable so why even strive
My emotionless expression is given when my mind is over run
By memories of corn fields, silos and when I used to have fun
now simple joys no longer amuse me
I stay long for women who have abused me
and for all the good luck I had
I got more bad
and that really isn't the luck I want at all

If I won some money I'll tell you how I'd spend it
I'd find a woman with a mouth that felt like velvet
And spend it all just hear I love you and believe it
I'm not satisfied or happy on my own
I just sit in the dark feeling alone
wishing I had a soft warm body that I could make moan

Humming of the vehicles from miles away and crickets are all I hear
so I write on my cigarette "I wish that you were here"
Then light it up and burn the message and take it in
Sometimes you need fire to burn it all away so you can start again
I get so lost with no entertainment just mediocrity and the plain
I feel cozy, safe and at home inside of the cluster insaine
Some people seem too content
Their happiness makes me want to be violent
instead I hide inside my cage
build up sexual frustration and rage
I'm just a monkey jerking off stuck behind four blank walls

I am not good at knowing when a woman is interested in me, but I am good at knowing when they hate me, which most often

A calender with nudes of myself, it's called a gag gift because it makes people gag.

So I tried dating this weekend, it was really awkward. My jokes not appreciated and I was left nervous paying the tab. I don't feel like myself out there, I feel like I am supposed to perform and impress, I am horrible at impressing, I am much better at disgusting people. But I put on my "nice" clothes and tried being relaxed, she seemed nice, but I seemed like a sweaty crack addict fidgeting around talking way too fast and over compensating for my less than alluring looks constantly asking if she needed or wanted anything, kind of like an over attentive waiter. So after it end with an awkward kiss on the cheek at her doorstep, I went out, got drunk, saw her out, I was a lot less nervous and think she liked me better. I believe I am a better drunk than sober, I mean that's when I'm not boring and my jokes are funny. I just wish I could be the fun guy sober and not care at all. Anyway, I am just doing my usual *****ing, peace.

Woke up and couldn't feel my arm circulation cut off from my weight
Woke up alone again and in the sunlight it's a feeling that I hate
I just can't feel a connection with anyone longer than the sex lasts
The beauty in that moment just disappears too fast
so I drank too much last night and I'm coughing thick and yellow
Life goes from pure chaos to dead silent and all too mellow
so I shave head and my face go outside for another short lived thrill
It's not so much the being alone, it's the not feeling anything happy that kills

Monday morning drive away
sunlight shines on the fields green
Just another lonely day
So I get attention being obscene
I'll hate myself still tomorrow
look in the mirror at this mess
I got so many minutes borrowed
That all I got is me depressed

I try function normally but one foot just bumps in to the other
I strive for perfection and fail feel ashamed to even see my mother
I don't dare smile because it's cracked and makes me uglier yet
A building falling apart not taken care of tenants upset
When I pray I hear nothing back just more disappointment and regret
I could have done something better with the time than talk to a god upset
This self imploding formula has gotta change I can't keep living this way
So I'll stand up tall change what I can, I don't need a god to change it's all on me anyway

It all sucks for me, as usual.

Already jerked off five times today
no money to go out anyway
Overplayed all of my video games
A day off work, I'm sitting at home being lame
Neurotically checking emails nothing new
I just don't have anything to do
nothing that sounds good anyway

If I had someone to **** I would do that today
If I had some money I would spend it all today
Flashing images from the TV just rot my brain
Boredom, stuck inside is making me insane

Watch fictional characters live a fulfilling life
Comedy and tragedy with kids and a wife
The outside is filled cranky elderly and whiny children
Just waiting for life to either start or kill them
I just sit and think I should be doing something
empty apart with my head filled with nothing
nothing that is fun anyway

Try to sleep but the rattle of the jackhammer rings
I just want to wake up and hope that tomorrow brings
Love or resolution maybe a new problem
Problems that are managable so I can solve them
so I sit in the blue of the TV screen
writing b1tching and complaining
about nothing important anyway

It maybe easy to know what women are feeling, but it is horrible to try to understand why.

Yeah guys hide emotions, others better than I, but I know I check emails and phone neurotically, but then when I meet up I try to act interested, just not too interested, in fear of scaring women off because I actually give a ****.

As soon as someone gets knocked up.

I would think she didn't like me, I never realize chicks like me until they are kissing my penis.

I always wear a cap, not only because I'm bald, but also to pull it down to hide my hideous face.

I'd throw my panties at John McCain

My Father, he always worked hard to provide and did the best he could with this defective spawn. My grandfather because of how tough he is and all the **** he went through. They both taught me about honor and how to handle physical pain, like a man. Family always came first for them.

Also GG Allin he died a legend not giving a ****.
Bukowski Has influenced me a lot today, he understands the pain that women can cause in a life.
Fat Mike of NOFX - The music, it keeps me going on and has since I was 16. Allows me to direct my anger at the government and makes me laugh when i am down.

Also Charles Bronson - he knew how to handle his weapon
And Ron Jeremy, that dude looks like super Mario and uses his big mushroom well. It's something to aspire to.

no, i didn't