WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMAN'S REVENGE


'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items

the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control

for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)


I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS


A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls

and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for

some tampons for your wife?
He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife

to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,

and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers;

cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............. so does she..
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)



WIFE VS. HUSBAND


A couple drove down a country road for

several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


WORDS


A husband read an article to his wife about

how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because

we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



CREATION


A man said to his wife one day,

'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so

beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!





WHO DOES WHAT


A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible

that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment


A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,

he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),

he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.. Furious, he was about to go and see

why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my **** list ...

well ms. fresh meet...

good luck, and i bet u don't hear the end of this.... :)

What I Want In A Man!

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3.. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ***! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! All this is FYI of course.

> Grandma
> is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
> She
> writes:
>
> Dear Grand-daughter,
>
> The other day I went up to our
> local Christian book store and saw a
> 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .
>
> I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
> thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
>
> So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
>
> Boy, am
> I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
>
> I was stopped
> at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the
> Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
>
> It
> is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
> I'd never have noticed.
>
> I found that lots of people love Jesus!
>
> While
> I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then
> he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
>
> 'Go! Go!
> Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
>
> What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
>
> Everyone started honking!
>
> I just leaned out my window and
> started waving and smiling at all those
> loving people.
>
> I even honked
> my horn a few times to share in the love! ; There must have been a man
> from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a
> sunny beach.(sonovabeach)
>
> I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
> stuck up in the air.
>
> I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
>
> He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
>
> Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
> and gave him the good luck sign right back.
>
> My
> grandson burst out laughing.
>
> Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
>
> A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
> they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
>
> I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
> when I noticed the light had changed.
>
> So, grinning, I waved at all
> my brothers and sisters, and drove on
> through the intersection.
>
> I
> noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before
> the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them
> after all the love we had shared.
>
> So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
> Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
> Praise the Lord
> for such wonderful folks!!
>
> Will write again
> soon,
>
> Love,
> Grandma
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>

pube hair? u mean pubic or public hair?

pube hair? u mean pubic or public hair?

we call ur hair...statute of liberty hair.
looking good on u, but not me.

well u r a cutie, but i would leave the "T" part out. do we need 2 know this? can't chu tell that in private. im thinking of ur ID here.

take a look at my profile. course i am older than dirt. how far do u think i would get if i said i was an "L"? not very, and BTW, i have not gotten very far with what i posted. u know why? i have short hair, and i've been told by a no name individual on this site that i was "closed" for business. well my shop is "closed" 2 him for sure, and i let my hair grow.

from my life experience, u ain't gonna get honesty so furget it.

well ms. indiana...i would say people really don't want to hear the truth.
is that an Easter Island statute u have in front of u? i know where wabash, IN is...close 2 u?

pisces, and i smell just like um.

ahhahahahahaha this is kinda sort what my x husband tried to do to my saturn car. he sent his step daughter to run over my saturn in her van. she did not succeed, but she chased me all over hell cause i had her insurance card. kimmie? u remember that? a van full of kids with her.

i got the last laugh. course allstate closed the case.

u can find him on facebook if u want 2 know his name and ask him details.

sign would say " i think like maxine" so bug off.

so u love him and what is in his head? just exactly what is in his head? or your head?

well i think u r a natural beauty. and u like horro movies, so u have some really good qualities.

be elzibub 4 the boy, and oopsamistake for the girl.

hahahahaha so i have a friend or 2 in colorado. who might they b?

he was harassing u for blocking him. how could u do a thing like that. he was lonely. tired of watching oprah winfrey.