Totally agree, Msharmony. I spoke to my ex a few hours ago, and I told him that I'd like to get to know his new wife better. This is now a person that is going to have a significant influence in my daughter's life, and it is very important to me to just know her. We don't have to be friends or anything, but we also don't have to fall into being enemies because of the place we find ourselves in.

I should clarify the whole wedding thing. I knew he was getting married ahead of time. I knew I'd be picking my daughter up from the wedding, as that is what was arranged. I had tried to contact him several hours before because, of course, I didn't want to intrude. When I arrived, I did my utmost to NOT go into the party, but no one (staff at the venue included) seemed interested in helping me. Since I was left to my own devices and the groom (my ex) didn't seem to have his cell phone on him (understandably), I had no choice but to walk in. Once I finally got my daughter, she asked to say goodbye to her dad and his new wife. I said yes and as I was waiting for her to say goodbye, is when I was asked to leave.

I appreciate everyone's advice.

I spoke to the ex on the phone a few hours ago, and I talked about a few of my concerns. Generally, it seems as though my daughter is much more well-behaved with me than she is with him. I told him that I don't exactly know what had happened for me to be asked to leave, as I was being as least intrusive as possible, given the situation. From his comments, it would seem as though *someone* complained that I was there. Oh well.

Two days ago, on Sunday, while picking up my daughter for the week home with me, I inadvertently 'crashed' my ex-husband's wedding.

Now, I'm not concerned that he's married (seriously, good riddance!), but what I am concerned about is that I hardly know this woman who now has a significant place in my daughter's life. One of the things that drove my ex and I apart, were our drastic differences and beliefs regarding parenting. I think it's safe to say that I'm not going to see eye-to-eye with the new wife, either. How do I handle this? I don't know her all too well (but I think I should know her better), but so far, she seems nice enough. I don't like that when I picked up my daughter I was quickly asked to leave, as if I was some transient pilfering for leftovers in the dumpster. I think it could have been handled much more professionally and much more respectfully, and I certainly hope that my being told to leave wasn't because the bride had requested it. I was only there so long to find my 7-year old, allow her to say goodbye to her father, new step-sister, and a few other family members, and I was on my way. I wasn't disruptive... but I digress (sorry... still a sore spot-- it was rude, and unnecessary, what can I say). Oh, and I don't like that she was wearing makeup at seven years old.

So my question is: How do I handle my daughter's 'other' household, who holds different parenting values than mine? Am I going to be outnumbered by default? She spends more of her time with me, but I don't want all of the back and forth to be a burden/stressor on my little girl, either...

Help!

Thinking that last night was a huuuuge ego boost. I needed that... and I got a date scheduled for next weekend, too. The only problem, is that I went to a club. I went because the bride-to-be of the bachelorette party likes clubs. I don't tend to like clubs, but there I was... and now I met someone there, and I'm thinking that we already only have one thing that we KNOW is not a shared opinion (bars v. clubs)... grr...

and he called me at 2am last night, after I was already in bed.

and then he texted at around 9am to make sure I got his message.

He's breaking ALL of the rules! (do I care? Probably not.)

Share some stories!!

I'll start: Dating story number one:

“Dangerous Dave”
He got that name because of how insanely accident prone he was. His name wasn't even Dave. Our first date went rather smoothly. He was from Georgia and being recently relocated to California, he was experiencing some culture shock... much of which he didn’t shy away from vocalizing. While I periodically would respond to his comments by sinking down in my chair and quickly making sure that no one was within earshot to be offended, I also respected his honesty. Overall, it was a good first date. We agreed to see each other again.
The second date was at his place. I was a little unsure of meeting him at his place but of course didn’t want to meet at mine so early in knowing this guy with a seven year old in the mix. We decided on a movie in. I brought two movies (donated and recommended by my roommate), and a bottle of wine.
When I got to his place, I quickly realized how temporary it was. There was a couch, a table, and a mattress. The kitchen was limited to a small mini-fridge and some basic appliances (no dishes, etc). I brought the wine, but didn’t think to buy (or bring) an opener.

And this is where the fun starts…
He decides that he’ll open up his utility knife and push the cork down through the bottle (instead of up and out). He uses the blade (sharp edge towards his body) aimed down into the neck of the bottle and with the other hand, grasps the top of the bottle (we know where this is leading, right?). Sure enough, he slices open his hand. Blood everywhere. I asked him if he had a first aid kit… some bandages… anything… he says no. I told him that he’s got to find something to wrap it in… stop the bleeding. He reassures me that he has nothing. So I start throwing out suggestions: an old tie you don’t care about anymore? An old T-Shirt, a towel? Anything? He finally pulls out an old shirt. Ok, I tell him, but it’s just too much material, we have to cut it so we have a strip to use as bandage. So he picks up the knife…

With the blade pointed at his stomach, he starts to cut the shirt down the center. I was horrified… I kept thinking he was going to cut himself wide open right there in front of me. I gasped and started with a “what the hell…” but by then he had looked down and realized what he was about to do. He switched the blade around and cut the shirt. I helped him bandage up his hand, but based on the size and depth of the cut (and the sheer amount of blood), I told him that he should really go see a doctor. He refused. He said he’d glue it with superglue later if he needed to. Oh boy.

But the fun isn’t over yet!
We finally calm down and I show him the two movies that I brought. We make our choice and without hesitation, he opens the case… not opens the case, he RIPS the plastic insert sleeve clean off. It wasn’t an unopened DVD (which is what he had thought, apparently)… so now I get to bring back my roommate’s movie and it’s a big giant disaster.

I went on a few more dates with Dangerous Dave. There were more accidents that would occur over the course of our month or two worth of outings/dates. He fell down the stairs one day, glass in hand, shattered the glass and banged himself up pretty badly. His explanation as to what happened was that he was distracted by the clock just above the steps.

I finally ended it with Dave. Why? Not because he was super accident prone (despite all that he was fun, interesting, and way nice… super sweet to me), but because he was rather unstable in other ways. He called me one day, while I was having dinner with friends. I consider it rude to answer the phone when you’re at dinner with people. I figured I’d call him right back once we were finished. I believe I even stated that in a text immediately after his call went unanswered. That night, he was somehow so upset that he started saying that he was going to kill himself. Apparently, he'd OD'd on pain pills and was really losing it. At this point, I was already soured on a few other things that had begun to surface. As a mother, I decided that this is just not someone I need to be associating with.

In the end, I have no ill feelings against Dangerous Dave. I have mostly very fond memories of him. I still keep in touch, actually. He apparently got back with his ex-wife and moved back to Georgia. I’m sure he’s much happier now than when I knew him. So I’m happy that things have worked out for him.

Yeah, I would be upset. It's just not a classy way to speak. It paves the way for some brash language later on, you know the friend: you can't take her anywhere nice because she doesn't know how to behave.

Kids saying 'adult' things give parents a different reaction than others who may think it's funny. I thought it was funny when my friend's daughter repeated some off-color remarks, but when my daughter called a little boy a "little b*tch" I was floored! He deserved it though, maybe not THOSE words, but he was older than her and very whiny. Anyways, I was STUNNED and overall very concerned with where (and from whom) she heard those words from. It's not funny anymore when it's your own kid.

Well said. I concur on all counts.

No. I can firmly say that I do not. It may just be me and how I personally tend to be somewhat guarded emotionally, but it has always taken me a very long time to feel a connection with someone so deep that I want them around in 'that' capacity. I go out on dates, and if I feel like they like me 'too much' (and I acknowledge that this is probably the wrong way to handle dates), then I figure they are interested for the wrong reasons. There's no way, after a single date (or two or three) that someone could like me so much that it warrants repeated phone calls, an attempt at a kiss, etc. It is very important to me to be friends first. Once I'm comfortable with you as my friend, then I'll start to feel like we are getting to know each other... and THEN something might develop.

I know that this is probably pretty backwards from reality (not to mention that it explains why I'm single, and probably will remain so), but what can I say, I'm a realist, and people who fall quickly for what I perceive are the wrong reasons lose my respect.

A few years ago (not so many... maybe two), a friend asked to interview me for one of his management courses. Part of it was asking me specific questions about visualizing where I wanted to be in two years (aka: now). In a nutshell they were:

- I wanted a friend in a similar place who could be a mutual support (divorced w/ kid(s)). We could offer each other advice, babysitting, etc. I was lonely for someone who 'got it' and having that support was important to me.

- I wanted to have my own place. At the time, immediately after the divorce, I was helping out my mom and she was helping me, but entering my late 20's I'd still never once lived on my own.

- I wanted to live in a community where my daughter had a good school, as well as be able to afford some extra-curricular activities to round her out.

- I wanted my degree (bachelors) to finally be complete (trust me, going to college, working full time, and being a single parent is exhausting).

- I wanted to be about 40lbs lighter. Being in a crappy relationship and w/ a guy who clearly didn't want me to be back to my pre-prego weight meant that I was eternally unhappy with my body.

Fast forward to now (2 years later), and I've accomplished all of the above. The strange thing, is that I didn't really focus all too hard on any of it, I just kept slowly moving forward. That same friend reminded me of this just recently. I'd forgotten that I ever set those goals in the first place.

I was thinking about this tonight and thought I'd share.

My ex used to complain that the chunks of tomato in the sauce made him want to vomit. It was annoying. And embarrassing when he asks the waiter if there are vegetables/fruit in each entree. I'd rather eat alone.

I don't think it's a lot, Krupa. I'm pretty firm on those, but very chill/lax in every other area. Just be cool with me and who I am, and I'll do the same for you... Easy!

I adore Frank!

Deal... list... semantics. And I'm not judging anyone's worth by how well they've mastered the written word, I just appreciate someone who takes the time and care to do it right. It's frustrating/aggravating/not worth my time to try to decipher someone's version of shorthand... but I'm a nerd like that, so it matters to me, it may not to someone else.

I wouldn't trust a guy finding a babysitter for me. That's my responsibility. I would appreciate the gesture, but no.

I have a handful of friends. A few are also single mothers. We help each other out by babysitting one another's kids when we want to be out sans kiddos. Works out well for me, and my daughter loves the change of scenery once in a while. And our payment is not cash. We pay each other back by returning the favor. Networking is key!

Not gonna lie. I stare at the photos (I read though too!). I like a good genuine smile. If you're trying to intimidate me/the camera it's not going to work. I'm going to click right past you. Shirtless pics are out, I care not how often you're at the gym, if you're proud of your body, your confidence and security will show through-- even if your shirt remains on. Shocking, I know.

So, really, it's easy: I like a good, honest, genuine smile. No props (guns in your profile picture? Really? Think that through a bit longer...), not too much skin. Humility and security is way sexy.

I'm not picky physically. Just take care of yourself (i.e. regular showers, not obese, etc), and be happy.

I think we're on the same page here... I hear women list 20 "deal-breakers" and think, "poor girl, you're going to be alone for a VEEEERRRRRRRYYYYY long time..." My list was what, four, maybe five things? I only include things that I know from experience that are incompatible traits. I've been married before, I've learned myself. But I try not to be unrealistic.

As a parent, I can respect that. I want nothing to do with someone if they aren't on board to **eventually** be cool with my daughter... whatever that may mean... gotta be open to the idea at least.

Agreed... how about parallel parking on the left hand side of the street? (one way streets) Now THAT is talent.

New question: everyone has a deal breaker list. some are more extensive, some are more superficial, and some people lie about having one. Agree/disagree?

I try very hard not to regret anything. I figure, even those mistakes I've made have molded me into who I am now, and I'm pretty happy with the result.

Agreed about the ex wife running their lives... add to that moms running their lives.