I hope you go for it, Jeff. As my deceased wife use to say, "They can kill ya but they can't eat ya." Now is your chance and like you say you invested a lot of time and money into it. What's the worse thing they can do fire you? And if they do then that should end the panic attack. I just hope you are not setting yourself for failure. Put your best foot forward and go for broke. It will let you know what you are made of. I take it you have second thoughts.

Those might be panic attacks, Jeff. I have found that hugs help me when I am suffering from panic attacks. Instead of discounting my clingyness I decided to do something about it. I hug residents, nurses, aides, people at my meetings and sometimes even my relatives. One lady who goes to my meetings always reminds me if I forget to give her a hug. Lately she has even has been saying that her friend needs a hug, too. Her friend is just as shy as I am and is too shy to ask for a hug.

3/16 Cherokee

(((Jackie)))

I used to have a dry sense of humor but with working with Alzheimer residents for a year now I have a twisted dry sense of humor. Nothing like debating a justice issue with another Aquarius person. It embarrasses the hell out of me to do periwash care. One resident we have reminds of the woman in the Exorcist movie. I do the sign of the cross every time I have to psyche myself in to go into her room. I keep looking for her head to go spinning in circles. Big mandate came down from the higher ups about peri care. They have this powder that they put on the residents that only the periwash will take off. If you don't do the peri care then they can tell with an untraviolet light detector that also shows if you don't wash your hands each time after you leave the room. I used to think it wasn't that big of deal until thing MRSA hit. They can turn off the light and they can follow the trail of powder. The nurse who is an Aquarius and me split hairs on the justice issues. It is really weird because we don't argue but have discussions that go on forever. It is like point counter point. She takes me seriously and I take her seriously. It is so different than arguing with my ex because we always had unresolved issues. We resolve issues but the man mental trips one can go through resolving them. Sometimes it is like my head is going to swell up and explode. We laugh and carry on a lot.

Jeff, that is why I am thinking my next career move will be in independent living helping the disabled. Being alone can suck at times but at other times it is kind of nice. I really enjoyed working at a place called Handicapped Services for the college. To me it would be like a win-win situation. I am beginning to think even my dogs would like somebody else around.

Dear Diary,
I want to coin a new word. It is called reversed sexism. The other night a resident said I was slow and must have not changed very many diapers in my life. Then he said I wasn't built for the job. He said he was going to see if he could get a women instead of me. He was telling the other female aide this while I was trying to help me. This is the second this year I have had to catch myself asking what does she have that I don't have. Well, excuse me all to hell. He had me laughing because I couldn't help but tell him that I prefer women, too but if they would come in instead of calling in all the time you might get your wish. I am starting to fell like Rodney Dangerfield because I don't get any respect.

Correction "Guantanamera"
I had the redneck version.

One ton of mayo. I don't think that is the right translation, though.

I would tell it to him just like that or otherwise he could get the idea of that you just want to be friends.

Take a chance; Columbus did. That is what my ex used to always say.

Dear Abby Normal

I feel only you can understand.
I am falling for this nice lesbian.
But I know she doesn't like men.
She is wonderful; A nice friend.

She is easy to talk to but teases.
Flirts with me when she pleases.
She hugs nice when she squeezes.
Knows how to shoot the breezes.

How can I make my heart understand
That I shouldn't fall for this woman?
Why can't I be like any normal man?
Can't she tell I am her biggest fan?

Why do I have to take this mental trip?
Is this a question that I can just skip?
Those knowing eyes I just want to slip.
Dear Abby Normal do you got a tip?

Dear Abby Normal it is trying to me.
It is like I have to rip my heart free.
It plays real havoc on my sanity.
Doing a real number on my serenity.

Instead of playing freeze out I turn the heater on and turn a light on in the pumphouse so the pump doesn't freeze up. Sometimes I get gas on my own but my car has to have gas put in it.

Well the well pump didn't freeze up but I did ignite the propane heater to get the place warmed up once I got home. Put one of them high priced light bulbs in the well house that is suppose to last for five years. Should find out this winter if the two new windows should save me money on the heating. They say it was supposed to drop to 20 last night but start warming back up, today.

Stardate 0005

Once upon a time in a land far away
Farther than Pluto or even Uranus
But not farther than the Milky Way
A maiden said she wasn't like us.
Alas, She said she was different
And we were filled with such joy.
It caused us to be oh so reverent
Because each one us was a boy.
Our thoughts oh how they twirled
For we tried to understand her
As she let us all into her world
Letting us know she was a girl.
We had never seen a girl before;
In all our travels she was a first.
What a strange creature to explore
And our curiosity began to thirst.
So many question we all pondered
But as we gazed upon her form
Other strange things we wondered;
She was different from our norm.
Strange feelings we began to share
And we were all shocked to admit
That he feelings came from no where.
We logged the feelings on transcript.

Happy birthday, Queene and I hope you enjoy all the 364 unbirthdays as well.

I hope you don't give up, Jeff. That is a big let down. I can empathize with how much it meant for you.

(((alex))) (((dana))) Nice to have hugs. Temperature is dropping here. Saw a big buck on the way to the restaurant. I just parked while he decided which way he wanted to go. He had some big antlers and was just kind of froze in place in the middle of the gravel road. There are a lot of deer here where I live.

Dear Diary,
Oh, you know I love rainbows. I bet it is a real beauty.

I love your new hat, Robin.

Dear Diary,
My charge nurse is sounding more and more like my ex wife. Last night was so strange. It was real quiet and calm. All the residents went to sleep early and nobody was *****ing. Nobody was stiring not even a mouse. We got to sit down in front of the big television and watch television together. Nurse got real bored and starting talking to me. The next thing I heard was, "Are you even listening to me?" We both agreed that we had both gotten used to the drama and pandemonium and it was so sad that we didn't have anybody to talk to but each other. It is sure nice to have a nice night once in a while so to take a break from the strain.